Episode 5: Comic Relief: The Branding Police

The BP and the Web

I almost named this episode - "A Comic Relief: Send in the Clowns". As we are on the web, I could very well pipe in the Soundheim tune as background music; however, "Branding" IS an important subject and IS important for the web. So, I do not want to minimize the importance of Branding. However, I want to point out the ineptness of those who are entrusted with this Holy Grail of the Corporation.

"Branding", which sometimes boils down to "LOGO" is the realm of Corporate Marketing and Communications. We have already seen that Marketing Executives are uncomfortable in the web environment. They want to control it - but they cannot separate this new environment from the old ones - brochure, paper, video media, press releases, spin, spam, spoons (I needed an "sp" alliterative - forgive) and a host of other tricks of the trade. Communications people in the corporate world are the keepers of the "platitude", the attitude and cultural word crafting. It's funny how I was once an "employee" and am now an "associate." Ah, the brain of the Corporate Communication expert. These include legions of copywriters. I was once one as well. You write an announcement:

"To one and all - the Green Muff-Muff line has been released. Its success is assured. Thanks for everyone's help."

This becomes under the copywriter's craft:

"Dear associates, our corporation has been in the business of muff-muffing for 175 years. Our customers come to expect blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah at the highest possible quality. They expect price performance, color adhesiveness, wonkytutty-fruitty, drone on beatlemania gazatz. In that spirit, the spirit that made this corporation gazunderbar gavot, I am pleased to announce the long awaited, awaited, awaited.......(4 paragraphs) release of the Green Muff-muff line of products, and services and windbags and hot air and .... We want to thank no one. Because you are all a bunch of anonymous Cretans and don't deserve . . whoops! We thank everyone, including your birth mother, her mother, mother earth, the mother of us all, the mother f.... (who is the father, son and holy corporation). In Olga, the gooddess of belly button lint's name, Amen"

Logo here, logo there, logo in your underwear! (There is a logo in my underwear; talk about branding)

Red, White and Script

Of course, word smithing goes hand in hand with logo and branding. Each corporation has its own way of expresing itself - and therefore employing a troop of neo-Spartan keepers of the word. These word-keepers, also keep the image, logo, the branding attributes and, finally - the final stamp of approval. This is the Branding Police (The BP).

As I stated earlier, Branding is important. If I asked you, what company has a "Red and White" color scheme and a fancy, script presentation of its name across these colors, would you say "Coca-Cola?" Of course you would. But, you could also say, Campbells Soup. They are very different in applying the same graphic elements. Coke also has a long history of popular "jingles" which amount to production numbers. Campbells has the "MMMMMmmmm Soup" jingle and two cheery children greatly in need of Richard Simmons’ help. Branding attributes for Coke are "happiness when you're sucking one down - cool - refreshing - joy on earth." For Campbells it's "warmth - comfort - shlurping - joy on earth." Two different paths to the same Nirvana.

For Branding’s Sake

Naturally, with such an investment in Branding, corporations would definitely want to brand their websites. Unfortunately, the majority of brands are NOT recognizable to the masses. The ones that are, take little effort on the web to make their branding attributes shine. Again, unfortunately, many corporations delude themselves into thinking that their branding matters on the web. They therefore cast a great net over the process and incur needless expense and project delays for the sake of something that might help them, if they survive the bankruptcy. They also turn over all approval for release and design to the branding police.

Some web sites exists purely for the "branding" with the nutty idea that the Web will give them "Branding" presence. This is the "Branding Exercise" or what we web designers refer to as "The Website from Hell." Although I must admit, Lucifer would probably do a better job of it with all the resources at his/her command. If your branding is not recognized universally here on earth, don't look to the web to do it for you. The only exceptions are Web based Corporations. But that's not really an exception, because the Web is their down to earth marketplace. Where else could they peddle their brand. Yep! On TV and billboards. I recognize AOL's triangle when I see it, Yahoo!

The Price of Beef

In the old days, when cattle roamed free on the range, the only way you could tell "ownership" was by branding. If a future piece of chuck had your mark on it, all the benefits of said beefsteak belonged to you. It was a powerful statement; and if the mark was violated, it meant a neck-tie party for the violator. Oh, the simplicity of civilization in its finest hour. This boils down to the illegality of branding and logo poaching in Corporate America, which adds another element and member to the Branding Police's team - The Attorney. While the copywriters flame away at culturally correct sentences, the Corporate Attorney watches over these sentences to measure liability in case of a law suit. In my corporately addled brain, I always pictured a big glass alarm box reading "In case of law suit, break glass and use dagger."

The Police State

The Branding Police (BP) often dictate the following aspects on a website:

1. Logo and Logo Placement
2. Logo size and relative relationship to the edge of the page
3. Color scheme
4. Fonts and Styles
5. Graphic types, sizes, placement, appropriateness
6. Navigation positions and types
7. Button text
8. Content and copy
9. Disclaimers and copyrights
10. Links
11. Der Prozess of approval

If you are employing (or is it associating?) the Branding Police, you can save money by not using a web designer - because, that individual cannot design within such restrictions. It’s like cattle grazing after sheep. Ah! But the BP say, "there's plenty of room for variation and creativity. The branding policies are only guidelines." Pleeeeze! Guidelines my asophocus! Offer a little variation and you get a little rejection - well worded, OR THE big delay. The frustrating part of the BP is that they rarely say NO. They say, "follow the guidelines better and we'll see." But if you violate the guidelines in any way, your page is labeled - "Unbranded!" This is the web version of the Scarlet Letter.

Logo's ARE sacrosanct. I agree with that. Size counts - and in fact, placement is important; however, logo placement depends on content. Logos that are always in the same place tend to fade into the background, which in most case is a GOOD thing. Being subliminal is good. Most BP guidelines, however, make the logo the pre-eminant element on any page; an "in-yer-face" approach.

Color schemes are usually locked into "Pantone" color numbers; and must be the same on every page for continuity. The fact that "pantone" numbers are supplied in the guidelines show their heritage to "paper" media. Continuity is a good thing, but pages set mood for content. Variations of green, pale and gentle, or a shimmer of apricot or pearl can perfectly set a great reading mood for pages with heavy content. Brash reds lock the visitor to the page while you regal them with Headline material; while, black and orange wake them up and can prolong their stay on the site. The only color I can know which is perfect for all pages without variation is "white."

Typo-canoe and (s)Tyler too!

Font sizes and styles are not bad things. However, sometimes BP guidelines do not take into account that browsers control most font appearance; and browsers are not controlled by the BP. Let the Branding Police live with the delusion that they control the look and feel (LAF). In fact, each machine, browser, and visitor does that. The secret of great web design or at least controlled web design is to design to the lowest possible equipment denominator. I have seen the BP slapping themselves on the back on Branded pages that were absolute wonders on their high priced, high-resolution monitors but looked like crap to most of the real world. That's because branding is designed for the Chief of the Branding Police's monitor and resolution. They do not recognize that major corporations save money on things like "monitors"; and the view is 640 x 400 in many cases still.

Font styles sometimes fair better in the branding policy (note the word Police in the Polic(y)). Non-serif (san-serif) fonts are great looking and best for reading on the screen. The same is true for headlines and subheads. Unlike desktop publishing (or print media publishing in general) where the Headlines are san-serif and the body text serif (Times-Roman and the like), web pages should have both headlines and body san-serif. The Headlines (title, subhead etc) should be a different color, weight and/or size to differentiate them. In addition, the measure (the length of line) for body text should be eight words long (ten at a stretch), which means using tables with invisible borders to control this. Long measures in body text will assure the visitor will have visual difficulty reading beyond line 3. This in all disciplines is the definition of illegible. I also like to use an edging line (a narrow left-hand column with a dark background) to help the reader keep their place.

Grafix

Graphics and graphic types are the biggest bone of contention between web designers and the BP. If the BP is worth its gestapo salt, graphics (bland and pedestrian) are supplied in a graphics library. This graphics library gives you pictures of "happy employees (associates) smiling into monitors or telephones or canoodling with prospects or customers." The guidelines always call for diversity in color and sex. Never is content mentioned. If you are lucky, you will be blessed with a library of "monotone" graphics putting the lid on any page’s coffin.

Here’s where there is oppoprtunity to shine for a graphic designer, especially one that can wear the mantle of PhotoShop. A PhotoShop artist can convey with original graphics the entire message in one instance. I am particularly proud of one graphic I designed in PhotoShop where a businessman was running on the face of a giant stopwatch. The content of the page was "Time’s ticking, are you too late to catch up with your money?" I have designed desert scenes for bankruptcy content, pens writing golden coins for training classes and a host of strong statement art; however, the BP are all in agreement. There’s nothing like the broad smile of a monochrome (fuschia if possible) white male associate shaking hands with black male client to show trust and confidence; this on a page that has bankruptcy content. What the fuschia are they thinking?

Leading the Blind

Navigation is usually created by an "outside" firm; because, no one in the organization could be trusted with such a delicate labor. So, what you get is a general menu system, with drop downs, and sometimes a side menu system. The BP must add all links. All wording must go against a dictionary, whether it has meaning for a visitor or not. There can never be redundant navigation - that is several duplicate navigation systems to support the various preferences of the visiting public. "Redundancy" in the corporate world is anathema - eventhough in web design it is a hallmark of good design. Therefore, the little text navigation we often see on the bottom of a web page supplied for sight-challenged visitors who use voice recognition devices - that's redundant and to be avoided at all costs. "To hell with the blind - we don't need their business. And besides, they can't see our wonderful branding." I certainly hope no member of the BP will ever need to surf Google with a voice recognition device to find suggested names for their seeing eye dog.

Continuity and position is very important for a good web experience; however, the web designer uses button text, placement, navigation, color, font changes and such to attract and encourage traffic. If you want "people" to go to a group of pages, you place the "button" carefully and label it "GO HERE". Then using your tracking tools, you measure hit response. No Response - move the button and rename it. Does that increase traffic flow? It's an art. The BP know no such art; and web metrics are incomprehensible to them.

Three Clicks to the Cheese

Content, the meat of "cheese" pages - the pages that your visitors are looking for - need to be short and sweet. They need to test further interest to lead visitors deeper into the site. AND once a visitor is 3 levels into a site, you need to reset interest to keep them there. That means a CHANGE on those pages – something of interest to keep them there by resetting their waning interest in content. Unfortunately, many corporate sites have one level of content and nothing beneath them - no depth. That's because the BP have no depth. It's one thing to state you sell Green Muff-Muffs - but you should have a "cheese" page for those really interested; and if they prove NOT interested, we need an additional path to keep them on the site. And, I know you will think I am lying about this, but some corporations cut off side-door traffic. Side-door traffic is when visitors enter your site via pages other than your home page. For some reason, I guess logical and legalistic, visitors MUST see your site in the order you to present it. Such a strategy (I call it – the loose noose traffic strategy) is guarenteed to lower traffic to your site one visitor at a time. Yikes! Some days it’s not worth getting out of bed!

Widows and Orphans

Another annoying BP thing is their anal retentive view at copywriting. I have launched many content pages that were returned for such corrections such as a lack of widow and orphan control or misplaced hyphenation. Widow and Orphan control, for the unenlightened, is the problem of leaving one or two sentences at the top or bottom of a paragraph or a page. I can never remember which is the widow and which the orphan. When will copywriters learn that web design and desktop publishing are NOT the same discipline.

I once had a near fisticuff experience with a copywriter who absolutely insisted on widow and orphan control; or the pages would never, never, never, never be approved and released. (What never? Well, hardly ever.) Each and every browser, the size of the viewing window and the resolution of the monitor determines where a line breaks in content on the web. If you use the non-breaking space command in conjunction with the line break tag to force widow and orphan control, the content breaks in freeky places and looks horrible. I call this look, Drunken Typographer Line Breaks. Nonetheless, the copywriting members of the BP raise blood pressure, cause delay and generally care nothing for the end product while professing to be perfectionists. They are perfect pains in . . . Well, they are at least expendible.

Lawyers, Lawyers Everywhere, and not a Drop to Drink

The Attorneys manage get into the fray with their legal-eye on things. The copyroght is very important; however, its exact style is paramount. If your corporation is called The Muff Muff Corporation of America Inc. Ltd., it must be presented that way every time. And I mean EXACTLY. I once had to correct copy in a 60 page on-line manual because I used a small "t" for capital "T" when referring to the corporation, in the middle of a sentence.

Another item for attorney perusal is the "disclaimer." If there's a scintilla of possible lawsuit, then we get the "disclaimer". Simple disclaimers like:

"Everything you read on this site may or may not be true; and we ain't responsible - so there."

Become:

"The Muff Muff Corporation does not necessarily support the use of the material found within this website by users and limits the use to the use therefore, wherein the forthwith corporation The Muff Muff Corporation, and will not be liable, I say not LIABLE, did you hear me nOt LIE-A-BULL, for damages incurred by the use of said materials against the good nature of the will of the ad hoc ex post factor in good standing or before a judgment, excrement or impediment, wherein, herewith and so forth - so help us Judge Judy."

There is also (always) a link and statement about privacy practices which besically states that we won't use the fact that you've been on the site against you or sell your name to Spam-o-matic America. (BTW, I love SPAM (the meat) and think it horrible that unwanted emails recieve that name. You should try SPAM grilled with pineapples. It's wonderful. Unwelcomed email just burns on the grill).

Links to Sausage and Other Things

Speaking of near-meat, links to other sites are also controlled by the Branding Police. Well, there I give it to the BP. They should have control over that; however, do they have control.?Do any of us? Once I linked to a search engine that was "phantomed" - that is, sold to another corporation, which disbanded the search and redirected all traffic to a Canadian Website showcasing Big Breasted Women (not my choice if I had control). Luckily, the BP caught that one and the link was broken.

Finally, the Branding Police control the launch of the site, the process it follows; that is the steps. Now, steps are important - but too many steps and too much bureaucracy is expensive and non-responsive. Websites should be able to easily change 10 times a day if necessary. Those lorded over by the BP usually change every 6 months, whether they need to or not. Yet a site that changes 10 times a day is relatively inexpensive to maintain. While the static 6 month site cost corporations millions. Go figure.

Top Secret (Classified)

Now for the secret, from a Web Master who has worked against and with the Branding Police. Working against is hard. You become a rogue or even unemployed. But working "with" is an art. Here are the steps:

1 - Praise the shit out of their design and promote its use. (Be a shill).

2 - Convince them to let you control your content as it's less work for them. (They like control, not work).

3 - Recreate the branding using your prefered formats and languages. Make their stuff operate on your terms. They see what they like, but haven’t a clue that it’s put together very differently. If nothing else, you have gained an independence of a subversive kind.

4 - Make subtle suggestions regarding change - and show how it supports the branding whether it does or not. This is called prostitution - but you will get what you want in the end (no pun intended).

5 - Offer to interpret their web statistics (assuming you can) as they do not have a clue. Use those statistics to support their propaganda. This is called "bold-face ingratiation."

6 - Finish your web deliverables ahead of time. They will be behind (trust me) and will not have time to review your stuff. A lot will slip by the distracted eye. Sleight of hand works well in this case.

7 - They will never deliver their site - but because you have delivered your piece and it is independent, in platform and format, your site can be launched to give the business some "branded" benefits.

8 - Celebrate your independence - as the BP will be scurrying from their top dog - "Ming the Merciless" - and your site will be the only one left standing. This is called "winning the match".

Of course, you are stuck with their "dictated" branding to some extent; but you can now manuever some change and appropriate traffic flow until the next group of Branding Police arrive. Their challenge will be putting your successful web site out of business without getting egg on their face. Now there’s an art. Unfortunately, they have mastered that one.

If you care enough about your company’s presence on the web, you should be willing to run the gauntlet of the Branding Police. However, it can be a humiliating experience for some. When I was a novice at this stuff, my first designs were reviewed by a 300 lb gorilla, who systematically reduced me the ground she walked on. I was chided, abused, mocked, pilloried and discouraged from ever designing a page again. But, I have prevailed over such ridecule. I see the Branding Police for what they are and know their methods well. I have taught many novices my craft, and remembering Bloberella the Extinguisher, have shared my experiences with humility and charity. Well, with charity at least. I often sit back as I design pages and laugh at the old days and inexplicably break out in song, "Bring in the Clowns."