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10. Waiting
Dean paced about the hospital's waiting room as a man torn from the pages of terror. He could not read or putter, nor could he sleep. Occasionally he sat and stared at the clock or at the nurse at the admitting station. He had no word on Matt's condition. They only gave such information to relatives; and friends needed to wait their turn. He tried to get the nurse to give him a clue; or at least to see the doctor, but she was very firm on the hospital's rules. There was no exception. Finally, frantic with anxiety and pain, Dean tried one last time.
"I told you sir," said the nurse firmly, "only immediate family can see Mr. Kieler."
"But I am his partner," said Dean. "I've told you, we live together."
"I'm sorry, the rules are the rules. Family only."
There was a conceited satisfaction about her voice, as if within the sanctity of rules she struck her own personal bolt.
"But can't you even tell me his condition?" pleaded Dean.
"I told you he is critical," she snapped.
She peered at Dean over her glasses and shook her head disapprovingly.
"You can only discuss it further with his doctor," she said, "and since you're not family, the doctor can't tell you anything."
"But you don't understand," said Dean.
Dean began to cry. There was no hope before this wall of institutional gloom.
"I'm sorry. I wish I could help."
"Uncaring Bitch," he said.
"Sir, if you become abusive, I'll have you removed from the premises."
"No, no," he said. "I'm sorry. You must know that Mr. Kieler is my . . . well, we are . . . "
"Sir, that's no concern of mine," she said with a Torquemada look. "If you are not a family member, you must wait until the family arrives. They will perhaps keep you informed."
As if on cue, Mr. and Mrs. Kieler and Mary arrived.
"Dean. Dean," said Mrs. Kieler embracing him. "How is he? We came as soon as we heard."
"I don't know," said Dean crying. "She won't tell me anything. I'm not his family and they won't let me see him. They don't understand. They don't understand."
Mrs. Kieler gazed at the nurse sternly.
"Oh, she understands perfectly," said Mrs. Kieler. "What do you mean he's not his family? You should be ashamed of yourself. He is his family."
"And who are you?" said the nurse.
"I'm his mother - and this is my son-in-law, his life-partner. How dare you! How dare you!!"
"I'm doing my job."
The nurse paged the doctor, while Mary comforted Dean.
"The doctor will see you in a minute," said the nurse. "As for this young man, whatever their relationship is, he cannot see the patient unless he is family as defined by law."
"Look at him, you bitch!" shouted Mrs. Kieler.
"Vivienne, not so loud," said Mr. Kieler.
"This is suppose to be a place for caring and healing. What right have you to judge him and bring him pain. He is closer to my son and more important to me than I am sure you are to anyone so unfortunate to call you a relative. Now, take us to my son!"
"Mrs. Kieler, please calm down. Doctor!"
The doctor had arrived just before Mrs. Kieler could go for the nurse’s jugular.
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "This a hospital, not a wrestling arena."
"I was explaining Hospital policy about family only . . ."
"Please Nurse Lynn - let me handle this. Mr. & Mrs. Kieler, come sit down."
They all went to the sitting area. Nurse Lynn was shaking with fury.
"Your son is resting," said the Doctor, "but we had to put him on oxygen."
"Oxygen?" cried Dean. "Doctor, is he . . .will he . . "
"He has pneumonia - pneumosistis carinii."
"I knew it," said Mrs. Kieler. "I was hoping it wasn't that. It's just like Danny."
"Then," said the Doctor, "you realize that he is in a great deal of danger with this episode."
"AIDS?" asked Dean. "It's . . "
"A complication related to the HIV infection," said the Doctor, "Are you his significant other? You need to be tested immediately."
"Just like Danny?" said Dean. "But Danny died in a bashing."
"He did," said Mary, "but he had AIDS; and had quite a few episodes. Poor Matt went through hell."
"Danny had AIDS? I don't believe this."
"May we see him now?" asked Mrs. Kieler.
"Yes, come now," said the Doctor.
"Can Dean come - his --- "
"Why of course. Come now. All of you."
They all gathered around the doctor and went through to the great metal doors. Dean hesitated.
"Dean!" said Mary. "Dean, are you coming?"
Dean appeared catatonic. Mary put her arm around him and walked him to Matt's room.
Matt was in a darkened room. He looked so helpless, lying there with tubes and apparatus, the beeping, the pumps, the very cacophony of the external touch of man intruding on the very soul of God.
"My baby," said Mrs. Kieler. "You look so helpless."
"Mom. Dad," muttered Matt. "Dean?"
"I'm here," said Dean.
"We're all here," said Mary.
"It's not so bad," said Matt. "I actually feel better. But in P'Town I thought I was going to die."
"Has the doctor talked to you?" said Mrs. Kieler. "Has he said anything about your condition?"
"I know. But . . but . . if I lick this, it'll be OK. It will be OK."
Matt seized upward in a coughing fit.
"You better put that thing back on," said Mr. Kieler helping Matt with the mask.
"Listen baby," said Mrs. Kieler, "you should rest. We'll be outside. Dean will stay with you. You need to be alone with him anyway. We'll be here."
They slowly left, Matt waving to them. Dean remained a distance from the bed. Finally he came to Matt's side.
"Sorry I ruined the vacation," said Matt. "These things happen."
Dean ran his hands through Matt's hair.
"Don't give it another thought baby. Just get better and we'll figure this out."
"It'll be OK. I'll be on my feet in no time and back to work."
"Just take one thing at a time," said Dean, "you know it all bastard. You just won't lie still for no one."
"I don't know what I'd do without you, Lambchop."
"I bet you would."
Matt coughed again and reached for the mask.
"I'd better put this crap back on."
"Rest now. I'll be here."
Dean took up his vigil in the chair as Matt nodded off.
"Shit. Shit, shit, shit shit, shit, shit!" thought Dean. "Just like Danny."
He looked over at his sleeping angel.
"I am so mad at you, asshole," he said quietly. "You've never lied to me. We've always been honest, even with that guy in the Cave you fucked three years ago. You we brutally honest then - and I overlooked it, because we're men and men do these things. I do these things. But to not tell me Danny had AIDS and was symptomatic - how could you. You asshole."
Dean got real excited and went to the window.
"I should leave you right now. Why should I care, if you didn't? I probably have it too. And I hope I do - 'cause we share everything, and if I can't share this monster with you . . . Oh, what am I saying. Where's the light going? Where's the peace I knew and the love I have come to count on. It's been a lie! Tell me it hasn't. You bastard, I love you so. How could you do this to me. How!"
Dean clenched his fists, going to the bed about to let loose. But instead, his hands went to his face to cover his uncontrollable weeping.
"Lover, sweet lover. I asked God for you and he delivered. But is such a prayer meant to test the soul. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for this test. God, take me now so I don't have to face this. I want to just run and hide. I want to just leave him here and never see him again."
Dean went to his knees burying his face in Matt's chest. He wept and wept. Matt awoke and stroked Dean's hair.
"Baby, my baby," he said.
"Take me with you," said Dean.
"I'm going nowhere," said Matt.
Dean looked up drying his tears.
"Then I'll stay - I'll stay."
"I'll be better," said Matt.
"You better be better fucker. If you want to deserve me, you'd better be better."
The light filtered across the blankets and struck Dean's hands - hands that now would need the light to carry the healing, the caring and the long vigil into night.